uncertain times

Life is intense and uncertain right now for our family.

For starters, we are moving *somewhere, in a couple weeks. Time to move from our current apartment, and  realizing how difficult and competitive the search is … made crazier by our shrinking timeline and my husband being out of town this whole week. Managing regular daily life with these two babies under 2 is generally enough; adding the pressure of an immediate house hunt and packing our home makes it a bit overwhelming.

I realized today that I have been so head down with the immediate that i have barely “looked up” – oh, yeah, its mid-may, the weather is beautiful, spring and life are happening all around me and I have barely noticed.

I have found God’s word to be life and breath for me. Oh, the psalms! Scripture is so full of life-giving Truth; I know for sure He is sovereign and working out His good plans. That is something so awesome about walking in obedience: the comfort of resting in knowing that He is in the details and I am loved.

Last week Maddie and I were talking about our situation,  about all the unknowns. I told her that GOD knows how this situation will end and is looking at how we trust Him in the meantime. So again and anew, I resolve to trust.

what a waste

i love this picture.

it brings me back to our glorious days at my aunt and uncle’s cabin celebrating 4th of july … sunshine, sparkling blue lake at the base of the mountain, barbecue, family and friends, the fresh air of the forest, fireworks, a big campfire. so much goodness and joy.

when i found this picture the other day, it brought back other memories, too: i was mad.  i was actually pouting and grumpy as this picture was being taken.

hubby and i had argued over something stupid – so stupid and silly, in fact, that i cannot even remember what it was.

all i remember was the feeling. my emotions completely undergirded that moment; i couldn’t move past them or get over them and as a result, this beautiful memory is tainted. i was agitated and frustrated at him, for something ridiculous! it was one of those times when the irritation feels like it’s sinking so deeply in and it can’t be quickly shaken.

i wish i could go back and shake the woman in that picture: enjoy the moment, emily! get over the stupid stuff, quick. it’s not worth it.

i love this guy SO much!

“a man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” (proverbs 19:11)

love in action

this has been a long week of feeling really sick and crappy. it feels like the crud has just hung on, continued to hurt in new ways and never quite lift. and my man is out of town! today, finally, i feel some lifting … some light at the end of this tunnel!

more than ever, i have such deep appreciation for the ways that i’ve been loved and supported and helped this week. simple acts of kindness have honestly meant so much!! one morning, a dear friend showed up unexpectedly with herbs, teas, and healing foods; later that day, another friend dropped off some soup for lunch; my mom brought by some saline nasal rinse; another dear friend dropped off some throat lozenges.

i’ve heard many times, “what do you need?? let me know and i will bring it to you.”

those words, spoken in truth and sincerity, mean SO much! it is so hard to ask for help but made so much easier when the offer feels sincere and from the heart.

i read this quote last week, posted by krystle:

“Sympathy is no substitute for action”

-David Livingstone

wow! how true. i am renewed in my challenge to BE the hands and feet, loving and serving and DOING.

because sometimes the doing is really where it’s at.

happy 6 months, baby caleb!

our sweet boy, my baby, is 6 months.

how is this happening?! i just read josiah’s 6 month post and it’s so interesting to read their similarities and differences! most notable for me is that caleb is NOT moving, haa! like, at all. the boy hasn’t fully rolled over yet!! crazy. and yet, fine. like his pediatrician (love love love her) said, bigger babies often roll later. there is just more to roll.  at his 5 month appointment, he was in the 100% percentile for weight and the 90% for height (or vice versa, don’t have the stats right here) so yep, there’s a bit more to roll than his long lean green bean big brother!

he is a perfectly angelic sweet love. truly. he is content, smiles generously and constantly, and loves spitting, making raspberries, and silly voice sounds. he grabs like a madman, often yanking the attachments from his exersaucer, and gets them quickly in his mouth. and yes, he is finally enjoying the exersaucer! he still will chill in the bouncy seat, entertained by the dangly things to grab. his reflection totally tickles his socks off!

he is on much LESS of a rhythm and schedule than josiah was … i generally just feel SO MUCH MORE relaxed about making sure everything goes “just so” – the structure provided me beautiful sanity with josiah, but with caleb the flexibility is working best. mostly, he eats every 3 hours but truly that is a rough estimate. and mostly, he is on a sleep-eat-wake cycle but again, there are days that feeding him to sleep works best (when nothing else will).

the past several days have been tricky about the getting-him-to-sleep process. unfortunately, CIO (crying it out) just isn’t tenable with my babies, who itch terribly (and the crying and upset worsens the itchies). poor caleb’s head and neck are really irritated and itchy, so he often has a hard time settling to sleep ;( i have this soft little “brush” that i use to brush, brush, brush his hair and he loooooves that. swaddling is out – he breaks free quickly. sometimes face down will be a happy place for him but other times, he’ll just rub his face so hard (with “gloves” on his hands always). i’ve found that burrowing in to a blanket, with the paci and some head brushing, tends to settle him happily.

i am feeling the need to create more consistency with the nighttime routine. i don’t bathe him nightly, but he definitely is sleepy and i’ve found that it’s really “bedtime” for him in the late evening (7-ish). i’ve been putting him in the playpen near our bed and he wakes again for sure (sometimes multiple times, especially if i’m trying to watch a show! lol) between 9-10pm-ish. then a few times lately i’ve been able to lay him right back down in the playpen and he’ll sleep a couple more hours before waking.

i’ve had such a beautiful shift in my mind about the whole (loaded, heavy) subject of SLEEP. it’s such a focus: how’s your baby sleeping?? and the million dollar question: is he sleeping through the night?? and i’ve just accepted that during this season of parenting babies, i won’t get a lot of sleep. and that’s ok. really, it is. when i let go of this angst about not getting “enough” and just surrender to what is, a great peace follows. my sweet baby loves cuddling with mama. and honestly, when i blink he will be almost 2 like his big brother, a big boy sleeper, and these yummy infant days will be gone. so it is ok, fine and dare i say pretty normal? that he loves closeness to mama; that he is most comfortable right there?

he has just started showing interest in foods the past couple weeks, and i’ve been in no hurry to start feeding him. i *finally pumped some breast milk last week (first time) to mix with a banana, which we did on sunday. he was mildly interested but of course not very “successful” with getting much in his mouth . i haven’t given him any more. i did buy some organic brown rice cereal and may try that soon. we’ll see.

he is losing hair, just like josiah did … so it’s kind of patchy in the back but he still has quite a bit on top. can’t wait to see how it grows and changes!

oh, how you are loved, sweet baby caleb!!! 

my precious babies, love …

can’t resist this one!

squish! those feet!!

a bit blurry but hilarious! eating up the exersaucer.

hi self

fell asleep on daddy, holding his hand like this …

partial roll?

gf blueberry crumble muffins

i was in the mood for some muffins the other day and put this creation in the oven before the kids were up! (well, before josiah and maddie … caleb joined me in the kitchen )

i modified an old recipe i had made up several years ago and they turned out *really* good!  moist, just sweet enough and topped with a little crumbly goodness.

gf blueberry crumble muffins

2 c bob’s red mill all purpose baking flour, gluten free

2 tsp xanthum gum

2 tsp baking powder

cinnamon

combine these dry ingredients in a bowl. in a separate bowl, combine:

1/2 c applesauce

about 1/4 c honey

egg substitute (1 tsp baking powder, 1 tbsp each oil and water – mix)

about 1/4 c coconut milk

2 tsp coconut oil, melted

combine wet & dry ingredients and then add a handful of frozen blueberries. fill muffin tins about 3/4 full.

for topping:

melt 1/4 c coconut oil, pour in some honey, a handful of oats and some cinnamon .. mix together. put a dollop on the top of each muffin.

bake for 15 minutes at 375.

i said yes

i am glad that i said yes.

not just with my lips, but with my heart.

admittedly, i was looking forward to my morning walk … alone with my thoughts while pushing the boys in the stroller; a “much-needed” break from the nonstop routine of cleaning-cooking-schooling-mothering at home.

as i got ready to leave, she quickly said, “i’ll come with you, mama!”

yes, sounds like a great idea.

as we walked, we talked and laughed … ideas were shared, plans discussed, ideas offered.

and i realized: i am the person closest to her, her primary influencer and her main relationship (a daunting reality i’ve been grappling with much these days) – a tremendous weight and responsibility.  when i open the door, there is a safe and beautiful space to share her heart … and for me to love and guide and disciple.

as women, we can be bombarded by our culture telling us what we need and deserve; as mama’s especially we are reminded that we deserve “me” time. and i’m certainly not downplaying the deep value in solitude; i just know that construct creates an artificial scenario that plays out in my mind (‘wait, you come on my walk?? but i want/need to get away‘).

it felt so good to embrace the moment … remembering how fleeting this time is, and how extraordinary it is to get to spend my days with this growing {fast} girl. and? how awesome that she wants to join me on a walk!

{one extra nugget of beauty: we talked about extracurricular involvements, perhaps there is a sport or activity she can participate in, now that theater has ended? her response: “i love our evenings at home together!”. ahhh. me too, my girl.}

today’s walk

trips, musicals and 13th birthday

last week was pretty intense. hubby’s business trip(s) – gone for 8 long days – coincided with madison’s tech week rehearsal schedule for her musical, which meant rehearsals til 8 pm a few nights and 11pm other nights. yowch, with 2 babies sleeping at home. i am SO thankful for amazing family and friends that stepped in and picked her up all the nights but one … what a huge help.

things came to a head on thursday, as it was both opening night for maddie’s show and the night that hubby was to arrive home. unfortunately, his flight came in around 11pm … the show started at 7:30pm … and i just couldn’t be there. even as i type this, that sick mama heart feeling of missing opening night – comes back palpably. i hate that we weren’t there with her, there in the lobby after the show to greet and celebrate. {logistics of having 3 kiddos has meant more and more times of missing out or not being as present for maddie as i’ve always been.}

the night all worked out fine … i packed up the babies to pick up maddie from her show and then we went to the airport to pick up hubby. SO good to have him back! truly, i gained a new appreciation for 2 things: 1 -that i can really handle long days and hours alone with the boys and 2 – i LOVE having him here providing more help than i realized before.

a gross cold bug had descended on us and that next morning at 5am, caleb was incorrigible – happy only when i held/walked with him in our bathroom with the loud fan blaring. poor sweet baby. maddie woke, came in to our room and said she wasn’t feeling good .. oh no! it was the 2nd day of her musical performance and it’s an understatement to say that she’s LOVED being in this production, was beyond excited for the performances, and already feeling blue thinking of it ending. i spent the day nursing sweeties and trying various things to help maddie feel better. she was so excited that hubby would be seeing her show that night, and didn’t want to miss. alas, he drove her there and i got a text saying they were heading back home – she didn’t feel she could do it. poor love.

the following day was her 13th birthday – 13th!!!. it was also her final musical performance, and me mom and grandma would be watching. hubby would be hanging with the babies! per our tradition, i decorated our house the night before so she woke to streamers and decor.  i gave her a bible and a new devotional – one that she can do alone (we do one together at bedtime) – and spoke words of encouragement to her heart about her growing up, seeking GOD and HIS word not just with her parents but knowing GOD’s great love for *her* and HIS truths and love expressed in His word.

i also made her traditional “number” cake – every year since she turned three, i’ve made a cake with her age. so fun!

she felt better throughout the day and was able to join the final show – and it was *amazing!! wow, what an awesome show. and what a treat for me, to get to watch sans babies. yippee! hubby arrived after with the babies, and we enjoyed the post-show cast party. her voice was almost gone and she was deeply exhausted but overall, a sweet birthday for our girl and i am SO glad …

 

hubby arrived just as the show ended !

with her grandma and great grandma

 

 

secretly, i was looking forward to the coming of sunday – the mania of musicals and prep and birthday would have settled, and we could go get her ears pierced (her much-coveted bday gift) and then go out to a fun dinner (a restaurant she’s been to once with friends and has wanted for months and years for us to go together). finally, mom would be hosting a little family bday celebration for her after dinner. FUN.

the day was lovely … sunny … and just happy. blessed.

mid-afternoon, she and i went to the mall for the ear piercing gift … she was (of course) so brave and was thrilled with her piercing!

happy girl

early that evening, we dropped josiah off at my mom’s and took maddie to a special dinner … sort of just us “big people” because caleb was with us, and of course restless and fussy during the meal!, but i refused to let it be a focus and instead celebrated our girl! and the special night!

 

 

me and my girl

after dinner, we returned to mom’s and had a sweet celebration with family. lots of love, cake and gift cards! haa haa.

silly boys!

 

 

life has settled back to somewhat normal and i am craving really being proactive about some tighter rhythms and order this week, so we’ll see ..