wants and needs of a wife

December 26, 2011

i am going to share my heart and the thoughts and stirrings therein … never wanting to uncover my beloved hubby but instead wanting to encourage us on as wives.

my thoughts and convictions are likely very unpopular for some, and certainly counter-cultural. it flies in the face of the messages we are bombarded with as wives: prioritize yourself, you “deserve” XYZ, you should demand to be treated a certain way regardless, all work and roles should be split 50-50,Β  etc etc.

{and by the way, this was my paradigm for many years – i endorsed the ‘egalitarian’ relationship model.}

let me preface also by saying that my hubby is truly an incredible man and undeniably my dream guy … has always been, and continues to be. but, he’s not perfect. πŸ˜‰ and he can’t do and be and say all that i want and need, all the time.

so here’s where my mind and heart have been camping these days:

instead of complaining to my husband about what he isn’t doing or saying or being, how about i spend that same energy focusing on what i can do and be and say?

it is totally simplistic and something i can explain and talk about and YET, the application is where it is honestly hard.

am i the only one who has those sour moments where my mind is meditating on how he isn’t doing/being/saying what i need in that moment? where i get just stuck in that negative, complaining mental space?

and by the way, the things i am rehearsing and focusing on in my mind during those moments – those things are likely “justifiable” desires; things that i could look and compare that mr. smith does for his wife, etc. noble, good, Godly things.

and yet …

i am not called to complain. i am not my hubby’s change agent.

what if, for instance,Β  instead of complaining that he isn’t giving me the attention i crave, i instead worked on becoming the wife he is drawn to attend to?

because honestly, does complaining or being negative or resentful accomplish our goal (of attention and intimacy) anyway??

telling my man, ‘you aren’t being romantic’ does not engender in him romantic feelings … lol. right?!

i know this is uncomfortable and sensitive … and again, super counter-cultural.

what if i spoke words of life and uplift and respect; what if i devoted myself to the building up of this man?

and what if i used the opportunity to really press in to my LORD as my need-meeter, during those difficult moments?

i have some personal goals for this coming month in this area … knowing i will stumble but eager to step in and step up, being stretched and grown as a Christ-follower and wife.

“be devoted to one another in brotherly love. honor one another above yourselves.” romans 12:10

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5 Responses to “wants and needs of a wife”

  1. Jessica Says:

    Well said my friend! Great reminder for us to always love, speak life and keep being the women we are called to be as we minister to our husbands and our families…

  2. liz Says:

    This is a very thoughtful post, and why should it be so countercultural? It makes perfect sense! At my house we’ve recently been discussing my tendency to criticize, but inability to accept “constructive” criticism, which was followed by a funny conversation about whether we should both be allowed to criticize or neither allowed to criticize.

    Even healthy, happy marriages require these thinking moments, and in any case, changing my own behavior is always the most effective thing to do. Interesting how we are on the same wavelength today, dear Em!

  3. Leaves Heal Says:

    Yup– there is no “perfect”– only “perfect for each other.”
    A “counter-cultural” video for you:

    Proud of you, working toward the representation of the Designer in the design of your marriage πŸ™‚ Without Him we “burn out”, and so do our marriages. With Him, we are building something sacred.

    • Leaves Heal Says:

      Didn’t realize the video itself would post here–thought it would just be a link. Obviously, I was more talking about the second half, with the letters & all πŸ™‚

      • home2learn Says:

        i know, kind of wild about having the whole video embed!!! it was interesting. πŸ™‚
        we love both gary thomas (author of “sacred marriage”) and voddie baucham’s teachings on the biblical picture of marriage. good stuff!
        hugs, sweet friend.


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