on my mind these days …

May 4, 2012

life has been up and down … isn’t it like that? beautiful, good and blessed and also … challenging, tiring, stretching. i’ve been weighing some heavy things in my mind and spirit but those are tempered by the moments of sweet joy, contentment and realization that GOD is blessing and making a way.

there is truly nothing better, nothing more steadying and comforting, than to have the assurance and peace of being in HIS will, obeying (as best i can in my flesh!) the path set before our family. we know that we know that we are walking in the direction He has for us, even though the road has been rocky at times.

:: speaking of rocky, it’s been almost three years since we’ve had a stable income – oh, i remember those days of regular paydays! there was so much confidence and predictability in knowing what income would be coming, and when. we’ve lived outside that comfort for so long now and lately, honestly, i feel ready – haven’t we been stretched enough in this area?!  however, i can honestly say that this faith-walk has done MORE to deepen my faith in the real, actual, undeniable love and care of our Abba Father, our Jehovah Jireh. HE *ALWAYS* meets our  needs. many months ago, i designated a jar and inside, record on index cards specific examples of miraculous, timely provision. there are so many examples! whenever i doubt or fear, i REMEMBER.  HE is our Provider, not our employer – and we look to HIM.

:: i am LOVING this spring weather! the glorious blooming of bright flowers, the rhodendron’s outside our bedroom and kitchen windows, opening bright and stunning. they make me smile.

:: i have been really grappling with thinking of josiah’s sleeping issues with the very soon coming of our little green bean (in 4 1/2 mos!). it can be a spirit-sinker, honestly, when i survey in my mind the landscape: the many attempts and strategies at teaching our son to sleep through the night that have not been “successful.” (he still wakes at least 3 times/nightly). in my mind, i have this deadline: he MUST be sleeping well before the baby’s born. for starters, i will be having a c-section and that means at least 2 nights at the hospital which means josiah will need to be in someone’s care, *sleeping* through the night for them (and yes, thinking of being away from my baby boy for 2 nights makes me want to choke, so i can’t even go there …  and i know i shouldn’t go there yet). compounding all of this is the increase in his ezcema which has been heart-breaking and so, SO confounding as parents. we are seeking to understand and address causes, but they are SO hard to find. we do know that itching does wake him at night, which complicates the simplicity of the crying-it-out approach.

my hubby commented the other night that he doesn’t want me to be “distraught” about this whole issue. and his words got me thinking … am i distraught? that’s a strong term that i initially rejected but in thinking through it more, he may be right. and i am thinking these days about the power of our thoughts, and how the way that we view things can truly shape our mood and our emotions. i had another dear friend say something along the lines of – she was praying not just for josiah to sleep better, but for me to have more peace about what is.  and perhaps what will be, with a newborn.

(ok, this is becoming totally stream-of-consciousness thoughts, sorry) … so more about how we think of things: i was reading a dear mama blogger and one of her commenters was congratulating her on the upcoming birth of her baby next fall (we have almost exactly the same due date) and said something like, “WOW- next fall you will be snuggling a precious new baby! jealous!” and those words kept echoing in my mind that night. i can get sunk in the logistical, will-i-ever-sleep-again train of thought, OR i can soak in the miracle of this life, the BLISS at snuggling my new baby in the fall, the joy of this amazing gift.

:: speaking of the joy of this growing green bean: i *definitely* felt movement yesterday!! i think i did 2 weeks ago, but wasn’t totally sure. and i’ve felt little things the past couple weeks that i thought were the baby, but yesterday was finally a FOR SURE kick or punch! it was amazing. i was laying on the couch, pressing and feeling my tummy, hoping to feel baby … mike and the kids were outside … and then against my hand a firm little kick! i cried.

blessings over your week and weekend, dear friends!



4 Responses to “on my mind these days …”

  1. I love that you are feeling this little one already! So amazing!

    I *so* relate regarding the whole income thing, and I love the idea of writing down specific instances of provision. How amazing.

  2. jani Says:

    I read this yesterday and it really encouraged me… hope it helps you too… xo

    “When you think about a problem over and over in your mind, that’s called worry. When you think about God’s Word over and over in your mind, that’s meditation. If you know how to worry, you already know how to meditate! You just need to switch your attention from your problems to Bible verses. The more you meditate on God’s Word, the less you will have to worry about.”

  3. Leaves Heal Says:

    I remember when my eldest was tiny… he knew before I did what I was feeling. Whenever he would cry, and I couldn’t find a logical cause for it (sometimes I could, and that was fine)… but when I couldn’t, I had to self-assess, and see if I was at peace myself. My baby knew, instinctively, whether his source of everything needed for life was “in control” and at peace, or not. Smart kid.
    My best guess is that you’ve got smart babies, too 😉

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