racing past

November 30, 2013

i’ve missed this space. i’ve shared (whined) to my hubby that i just want (need) to get away, to write here. to share and process and collect thoughts and capture life that is racing so quickly by.

i realized last week that i have been filling my mind and heart with so much information – nuggets of parenting wisdom, healing protocol, recipes, “shoulds” and “want to’s.” yet i am short on the follow through. in fact, in a sobering moment of honesty with myself, i realized that in many areas i am weak on execution. i am full of knowing what i need to do; i feel so caught up in the doing of daily life that my intentions to implement bigger, higher, macro level plans just don’t happen.

for me, it starts with congealing the swirling in my mind and heart on to paper. collecting. sorting. formulating. making plans.

so last week i treated myself to a discounted journal – spiral-bound, lined, smooth. the kind where my pen flows. and i’ve started writing, and it feels good.

i have yet to figure out the “when” for this elusive quiet time we all talk about, and that i desperately need. i am learning how to create that time, and that falls under the big umbrella of areas where i need to execute better: home management. it is perhaps the single biggest burden/challenge/desire on my heart (managing our home well) and has been brought to light (my weaknesses, that is) by my beloved. my pride and my stubbornness make receiving feedback like this very difficult which is strange because i *know this isn’t my strong suit, so why does the feedback fall on a raw and discouraged heart?

part of it i am coming to realize, is that it feels pretty crappy to accept that in my primary job of managing our home, i lack many skills. as i’ve shared before, when i worked outside the home i had a sense of strength and confidence and competence that was reinforced and encouraged.

and here i am at home, having not been taught many basics in this arena, expecting all to flow well and seeing that my strengths don’t necessarily match what may be ideal for creating an orderly, structured, high-standard home environment.

i tend toward flexibility, spontaneity, nurturing, creating special moments, big hugs, long walks, lots of cooking, lots of cuddling and reading and playing outside and seizing the beauty in daily life.

and so i feel this tugging: receiving feedback given in love, with a desire to come alongside … and i resist. i struggle. i grapple.

and that brings me to another space that is foremost on my mind and without uncovering my precious hubby, i will say only that (quite hilariously because we both rolled our eyes during most of the video class we took, with sighs of “we know this; we’ve got this”) emerson eggerichs love & respect teaching is right where we are.

and what i know for sure underneath it all? GOD is calling me to surrender …  to the ways He is shaping and teaching and growing me. to this beautiful and wild and fleeting season, and to my beloved hubby.


4 Responses to “racing past”

  1. Stacy Says:

    I like it when you do write, Emily.
    I think I am much like you… preferring flexibility and ability to be spontaneous and the nurturing and special moments and baking and hugs and TIME to do it all. And I don’t excel in the details of an orderly home. But I’m a whole lot further down that road than I used to be. 🙂
    And I’ve seen in my own life, too- how all the information can be paralyzing. I’m such a visionary ideas girl… I love collecting ideas and information and dreaming over it all, but I TOTALLY lack follow-through.
    So… all that to say that I get it. And bless you for sorting through it all and listening to your man and honoring him.

    • home2learn Says:

      stacy, i love when *you* write! your blog is a breath of fresh air, sweet inspiration and encouragement! and you have so many creative ideas in your schooling – wow. thanks for your kind words today. hugs to you!!!

  2. Leaves Heal Says:

    Thus says YHWH, “Stand by the ways and see and ask for the ancient paths, Where the good way is, and walk in it; And you will find rest for your souls. But they said, ‘We will not walk in it.’
    –Jeremiah 6:16
    Homemaking is an ancient art, and a dying one, but part of a larger, deeper, richer existence. We’re called to hunt it down, and to resurrect it.
    Breathe deeply as you “walk in it,” Emily. It’s the air and “good way” of freedom.

  3. Leaves Heal Says:

    We must use time wisely and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right.
    –Nelson Mandela
    Found this today, and thought of this post.
    Love to you, Mama. Motherhood is the ultimate in incessant carpe diem.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: