November 30, 2013
i’ve missed this space. i’ve shared (whined) to my hubby that i just want (need) to get away, to write here. to share and process and collect thoughts and capture life that is racing so quickly by.
i realized last week that i have been filling my mind and heart with so much information – nuggets of parenting wisdom, healing protocol, recipes, “shoulds” and “want to’s.” yet i am short on the follow through. in fact, in a sobering moment of honesty with myself, i realized that in many areas i am weak on execution. i am full of knowing what i need to do; i feel so caught up in the doing of daily life that my intentions to implement bigger, higher, macro level plans just don’t happen.
for me, it starts with congealing the swirling in my mind and heart on to paper. collecting. sorting. formulating. making plans.
so last week i treated myself to a discounted journal – spiral-bound, lined, smooth. the kind where my pen flows. and i’ve started writing, and it feels good.
i have yet to figure out the “when” for this elusive quiet time we all talk about, and that i desperately need. i am learning how to create that time, and that falls under the big umbrella of areas where i need to execute better: home management. it is perhaps the single biggest burden/challenge/desire on my heart (managing our home well) and has been brought to light (my weaknesses, that is) by my beloved. my pride and my stubbornness make receiving feedback like this very difficult which is strange because i *know this isn’t my strong suit, so why does the feedback fall on a raw and discouraged heart?
part of it i am coming to realize, is that it feels pretty crappy to accept that in my primary job of managing our home, i lack many skills. as i’ve shared before, when i worked outside the home i had a sense of strength and confidence and competence that was reinforced and encouraged.
and here i am at home, having not been taught many basics in this arena, expecting all to flow well and seeing that my strengths don’t necessarily match what may be ideal for creating an orderly, structured, high-standard home environment.
i tend toward flexibility, spontaneity, nurturing, creating special moments, big hugs, long walks, lots of cooking, lots of cuddling and reading and playing outside and seizing the beauty in daily life.
and so i feel this tugging: receiving feedback given in love, with a desire to come alongside … and i resist. i struggle. i grapple.
and that brings me to another space that is foremost on my mind and without uncovering my precious hubby, i will say only that (quite hilariously because we both rolled our eyes during most of the video class we took, with sighs of “we know this; we’ve got this”) emerson eggerichs love & respect teaching is right where we are.
and what i know for sure underneath it all? GOD is calling me to surrender … to the ways He is shaping and teaching and growing me. to this beautiful and wild and fleeting season, and to my beloved hubby.