journal entries during the wait

March 26, 2016

after writing the first part of this story, my mind has been *there:  in those dark heavy weeks. this morning, i opened my journal to see what i’d written then, and i find words and scripture and praise and desperation.

december 24, 2015

counting the blessings in the wait … as the wait feels suffocating at times and the worry overwhelming.

“she is clothed with strength and dignity; she laughs without fear of the future.”

remembering this verse and seeing it on the wall, beautifully written by my maddie.


oh, that this was me! joyful, expectant, alive and healthy.

known and loved.

sipping my tulsi tea … watching my boys run and build …

*looking forward to an evening of joy, laughter, love & wine at grandma’s — christmas eve tradition. gift exchange & h’ors doerves – yes!

*hearing coughs from caleb and sneeze and sniffles from josiah, feeling a scratchy throat myself, and believing against sickies

*thankful for the texts of abundant encouragement from angie, speaking right to my fears

*the love & depth & encouragement & prayers from so many amazing women in my life

*remembering that as a mama, i can’t draw from that which i haven’t cultivated and invested in me; i can’t encourage with God’s truth, wisdom from scripture, insight & truth – unless i’ve read and studied and walked. out of the heart comes our words & actions … grow in grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Immanuel: God with us.

He sees us.

He sees me.

December 30, 2015

Over 2 weeks in the dark unknown … i wake queasy & tearful, holding and snuggling close to my babies, breathing them in as my heart squeaks my first desperate prayer for the day: LORD, give me length of days with my loves. please.

like the woman who reached in desperation for Jesus’ robe … believing He would heal … I reach.

i grab.

i believe.



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