a little vent

April 8, 2016

so, the interesting part about walking through cancer and chemo and pretty intense lifestyle changes and *healing* while having little children is that rest and space and solitude and quiet are pretty elusive. many days, i battle my internal dialogue which can lean toward complaining as i face the overwhelm of just *normal daily living with 2 small boys and a daughter in high school. life continues quickly moves on. laundry piles up, meals must be served, errands and bills and learning and playing all continue.

and my boys being boys, their energy is without limits, and they need constant line of sight supervision as happy play can turn violent in .2 seconds. there are screams and eruptions and hollers for “mama!” constantly. and parenting a teen is a challenge and gift and takes heart and mind and focus and so much more.

and truly, it’s all good. these children are GIFTS; answers to much prayer and the givers of the sweetest love and happiness to my heart, a million times a day. so i wouldn’t trade any of this.

but the real deal is that the days can be hard. today is the day after chemo. my body feels toxic and stuck and achy and my head feels foggy. i want to curl in a ball. but more than that, i want to feel well and heal and so there are a number of steps i am taking in that direction. steps i must take no matter all that swirls around me.

so today, my girl is in bed with bad allergies, hubby is working round-the-clock preparing for a national event in 2 weeks, and i am “on” with my boys. and wishing for quiet, for solitude, for space … trying not to look ahead over the next week when i typically am hit hardest with side effects and the energy and stamina i’ll need.

i am learning to let some things go; to be ok with more TV time, to allow messes to not totally stress me out, to just lower my expectations for myself in areas that aren’t essential. it is hard. and another upside: the boys’ social calendar has increased tremendously since entering this season! ha ha. but really, we are so blessed with amazing friends, and the boys’ great grandparents, that have them come over for a few hours at a time … and it is such a huge gift.

one day at a time. 🙂

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