May 1, 2016

it is SUCH a beautiful day!

i’m tucked on our back patio, fresh wind is blowing, it’s mid-70’s spring perfection. the boys are gone with their grandma so i’m breathing in deeply the air of calm and quiet. my heart is smiling.

such grace, as i walk this crazy road. so many times i’m struck by how disconnected i feel from “normal” – everyone i see, rushing along through their everyday lives, and i feel the contrast, the juxtaposition.

today, right now, it is wonderfully non-depressing. i don’t feel that weight of dark heaviness that can be a close companion.

i feel GRATEFUL – to be on day #3 post-chemo and to be feeling relatively OK! glory! and to have just one chemo treatment left!

i feel a deep sense of  being present and living *right now*; being alive, breathing deeply, being surrounded by such love.

one of the many great gifts of this journey has been the extraordinary books i’ve been able to read … learning and opening doors to healing in so many ways.  i know for sure that this healing journey for me encompasses more than just physical action steps. there is this deeper current, of rest and meditation and grace and forgiveness … that is linked to healing and ultimately to the vision i see of myself stronger and healthier and standing more firmly in the vision of the life GOD has for me. for my people.

it is energizing, the possibilities and the hope that exist … even in this dark tunnel, i sense this extraordinary coalescing, of a million pieces that overwhelm me at times yet i see and feel the change happening … the newness and a beauty around the bend. the way that i’ll know this was a catalyst for something bigger and better.

i realize as i write these words that the dark ache of physical side effects isn’t crippling my vision, today. the last round of side effects (after treatment number 4) were so difficult. and it felt like it would never get better. isn’t it so like that, when we are hurting? yet, it lifted. i felt better and better … and dreaded going in to chemo day #5 last week so much as i felt i couldn’t bear walking through that again.

during my routine visit with my sweet oncologist the day before chemo, we strategized about nausea prevention. i’m so hopeful that our ideas and my implementation will keep it at bay. her physical exam during my appointment revealed that there is literally no evidence of any lymph node tumor in my left armpit, and my breast looks completely unremarkable and normal- no mass, no redness, no initial symptoms. yay! my labs remain good.  we talked ahead to next steps which felt good, again seeing light at the end of this chemo tunnel. i will have a breast MRI 2 weeks post-chemo and will take those results to consult with the extraordinary surgeon at UCSF. her consultation will advise the advice of my local surgeon and we’ll come up with a plan.


“O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.

O LORD, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit.

… weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

O LORD my God, i will give you thanks forever.”

psalm 30






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