this weekend

August 14, 2016

it’s been a tough weekend. not in a catastrophic, acute crisis way but just in my heart & mind. i woke up saturday morning feeling overwhelmed, weary and depleted. i think that the multiple intense doctor appointments last week, the infusion of herceptin thursday, going fast, having had to grapple with another huge treatment decision last week, hubby having been out of town then back home and working nonstop, the relentlessness of parenting demands and household maintenance and feeling like i’ve neglected many of the essential pieces of my healing protocol – i think it just hit me. sunk me a bit.

i struggled with feeling – and even heard this sentiment – that shouldn’t i be feeling better; shouldn’t i be feeling more relief and space and hope? what’s my problem??

and of course, my reasonable self knows that yes, these things are true. i AM over the worst of my cancer treatment; i AM healed and well!; i AM around the bend and looking over the new horizon.

yet, when i step back and give myself the compassion i’d give a dear friend, i know that yes … i am weary and it makes sense. this season has been more dark and full of turns and dips and aches and heavy. of course i have days of deep fatigue; of a struggling spirit and overwhelm.  of course.

and then there are the real side effects of herceptin that i take via infusion every 3 weeks, until january. this weekend, that has looked like heart palpitations, fatigue and the ever present runny nose and split fingernails and aches.

yesterday i felt desperate for solitude — and not the kind that has a one hour time limit and kids knocking at my door the whole time. i wanted to escape for the weekend to somewhere quiet, maybe even near water. alone.

i didn’t get away and my heart still yearns for that quiet … that time away. for now, for this moment, i am giving myself grace to rest and feel the feelings and prioritize healing over tasks and do my best to love my people.

 

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One Response to “this weekend”

  1. Stacy Says:

    Love you, friend. You have lived out this season so WELL. And of COURSE you are weary. Wishing and praying for rest for you, sweet friend, and all sorts of delight along your way.
    ~Stacy


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